You glared at the ceiling, letting your eyes drop open and shut. It was almost as though by repeating this action again and again, you thought something would happen. Like waking from the dream of reality or something. Maybe if you blinked enough you’d be able to wake up.
You could even see yourself waking up, although you’d be in a prettier body. No fat would cling to your stomach and hips, your arms wouldn’t be dimpled and you’d look fantabulous in every way. A tear rolled down your cheek and your brows crinkled as you started crying.
Why did you always torment yourself like this? Why, why, why did you always manage did bring yourself down? It’s not like you wanted to feel ugly or unwanted, so why on earth did you do it?
You started when you felt something heavy on your hips, opening your squeezed shut eyes and craning your neck to see what it was. Nikolai was frowning at you, propping himself up by his hands which he’d placed next to your face.
“Vhy are you cryink?” He asked, cupping your cheek and stroking the tears away softly with his thumb. His concern and worry for you only made your tears increase tenfold. “Hey, hey, vhat’s all zhis eh?” He shifted off of you in favour of lying beside you on the sofa. Cradling your face in his hands, he kissed your cheeks tenderly, trying to still your anxiety.
“N-Nik-“ you blubbered, clinging on to his knitted jumper and hiding your face in the fabric. “Ssssh, everythink vill be okay, I knov.” He murmured, rubbing your back gently in circles. The soothing motion of his hand over your skin was able to make you calm down, not that it stopped the hiccupping sniffles.
“Nov vhat made you like zhis hmm? I don’t like seeink your pretty face all full of tears.” He paused, cursing softly in his native language about how he was terrible at expressing himself in English. It was his second language after all, leaving him struggling to find the right words. Often people found him incredibly blunt, but he couldn’t help it; his native vocabulary was a lot more rich.
“I don’t like it vhen you’re sad. I vant to see you smile (y/n).” He said, trying to express himself a bit better. “Vhy vere you cryink?”
You closed your eyes and averted your face from him. “I-I hate my body a-and I hate myself for wanting to change it, but I can’t help it. Why can’t I just be like the other girls Nik? I want to look pretty and slim, I want people to notice me in a good way and not just because I-I’m fat and ugly.” You choked on the last word and gulped.
Nikolai’s pale blue eyes widened and he shook his head vehemently, gripping your shoulders so you had to look at him. “You’re not ugly or fat at all! You’re so cute and sweet and beautiful and-“ he started rattling off in his mother tongue, leaving you to stare at him in a baffled way; you had no idea what he was saying.
He only stopped because he had to catch his breath and when he had, he took a large gulp of air, as though he was preparing to rattle off another list. You stopped him by placing a finger to his lips, shaking your head sadly.
He kissed your finger softly, reaching to you to caress your face and pull you into his warm embrace. “Ton’t sink badly of yourself please- I,I vant you to love yourself. Just as much as I love you.” Staring into your eyes, he wore a desperate expression. Desperate because he didn’t want you to hurt yourself. Desperate because he wanted his love to reach you.
“Ple-please.” His voice cracked and he stroked your hair, placing a tender kiss on your plump lips. Humming under his breath, he began to sing to you, his words sweet and loving. That much you could tell due to the fact that he kissed you each time he finished a sentence and by the fact that he also teared up.
“Vhy are you cryink?” You asked, trying to imitate his lilting accent and pushing your forehead against his. “I-I’m vorried, n-no. I’m scared, terrified zhat you von’t believe me. That you von’t believe me and that you’ll ko avay to someplace far, far avay. I ton’t vant you to leave me by myself, (Y/n). I vant to be vizh you forever.” He cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the aching in his throat that told him he was about to cry.
“Please ton’t leave me!” He cried, gazing at you helplessly and reaching for you. How had your roles reversed? “I’m not going to, Nik.” You murmured, tucking his silvery blonde head under your chin and stroking his hair.
After whimpering a couple of times, he snuggled into your soft chest and let out a contented sigh as he gripped you closer. His fingers digging into your waist, he pulled and kneaded the flesh there, letting out happy purrs as he played with your body.
“Stop that.” You muttered, trying to push his hands away from you; his actions were just adding to your selfconciousness. “You’re so soft.” He cooed at you, sliding his hands higher to tickle your neck. “And so warm.” He murmured, closing his eyes and butting his nose against yours. “And I love you more zhan you can imagine. I vant you to see zhat.”
You smiled and to him it was as if the sun had reappeared after being hidden by clouds. “I love you too Nikolai.” He hugged you tightly, squeezing all the air from you. “C-can’t breathe!” You squeaked, your hands flailing as you tried to get some air into your oxygen-deprived lungs.
“Right, sorry!” He said, loosening his grip but not letting go of you. You kissed his cheek, a blush creeping up his skin in reaction. “You missed.” He whispered and before you could reply, he pressed his lips to yours.